Diet Etiquette — Part 1 — Introduction

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Diet Etiquette…or…How To Do Low-Carb Without Becoming a Social Outcast

etiquettenoun.  The rules governing socially acceptable behavior.

What, pray tell, is Diet Etiquette? I like to say it is “the rules governing socially acceptable behavior, in spite of the fact that you are dieting.”  It is a subject that doesn’t get very much ink or airtime, so I decided I needed to give it a shot here at Life Without Donuts.

Ever been to a dinner or luncheon where someone who is dieting has the woe-is-me attitude because there is not a single thing there that they can eat, therefore they feel compelled to infect everyone around  them with their own brand of doom, gloom, despair and agony?  Or, they are constantly going over their list of taboo foods, like anyone else at the table really gives a rip about their self-inflicted state of misery.

And then there is the know-it-all-diet-expert, who attempts to impose their ‘Perfect Diet’ upon everyone else, just because they read Dr. Somebody’s Magic Diet book and suddenly begin to speak as as expert on the subject of health and nutrition.  Little do they realize that an expert is in all reality nothing more than a former spurt!  They could have spoken with much greater authority and appeal had they only stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Oh, and a favorite of everyone are the Naysayers, Pushers and Enablers.  You know who they are, and if you can’t think of one…you just might be one!  These are the folks who insist that you have ‘just one bite’ or ‘a little bit of anything won’t hurt you’.  These are usually family members who have never been on a successful diet in their life, so they feel obligated to ruin everyone else’s chance of losing a few pounds.

If you’ve never had the tortuous pleasure of enjoying an extended evening of joy and mirth with one of these Diet-Dictocrats…then you, my friend, are without a doubt an alien from another planet!

I absolutely love the low-carb lifestyle.  As far as I’m concerned it is the easiest, healthiest, most effective nutritional lifestyle and approach to permanent weight loss and maintenance on the planet today.  Low-carb just works for me!  But let’s face it…it may not work for EVERYONE!  And even if it did work for everyone…EVERYONE doesn’t necessarily want to hear about it!  That’s where ‘Diet Etiquette’ comes into play.  We must use diet etiquette in social settings if we want to keep our present friends and ever hope to make new friends.  This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but over the next few posts I’ll be sharing with you some of my very own home-spun tips that should keep us all civil and hospitable at any event…and possibly even get us invited back again.

Diet Etiquette — Part 2 — I’m Hearing Voices, and I Think It’s My Food!

There Really is Life Without Donuts!

Ron, aka The Former Donut Junkie

 

You Might Be a Low-Carber If…

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10)  You’re considering buying a cattle farm.

9)  You get panic attacks if there’s less than 4 dozen eggs in the fridge.

8)  You get arrested when the cops hear you say you ‘do’ about 20 grams a day.

7)  You become the official spokesman for the Cheese & Butter Association.

6)  A chicken won’t come in your yard.

5)  You refer to Bacon as Vitamin B.

4)  You call eggs ‘cackle-berries’ just so you can tell your friends you eat lots of fruit.

3)  You carry a picture of Gary Taubes in your billfold.

2)  You name your two dogs Steak & Eggs.

1)  All your friends call you Meathead.

OK, there’s my signs you might be a low-carber.  Now let me hear yours in the comments below!

There Really is Life Without Donuts!

Ron, aka The Former Donut Junkie

Honey, I Shrunk My Muffin Top!

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I’m not talking about the kind of muffin top that you bake and is so scrump-crunchy deee-lish-us.  Besides, they’re not even close to being low-carb, so you just know I ain’t even going there!  I’m talking about that fashion trend that produces a roll of overhanging pudgy flesh created around the midriff by wearing low-rider type pants or shorts that are waaaay too tight, in combination with short shirts that are waaaay too short.  Wikepedia describes it like this.

Muffin-top” is a generally pejorative slang term used to describe the phenomenon of overhanging flesh when it spills over the waistline of trousers or skirt in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing. This generally occurs when an individual wears low-rise, hip-hugger pants, or midriff-baring tops that are too small.

You’re beginning to get the picture aren’t you?  Just in case your not…well, you know the saying…“a picture is worth a thousand words.” Or is it…you be the judge.

Muffin Top

Muffin Top

Now to this Southern Redneck Baby Boomer the Muffin Top trend falls into the same category as lots of other so called ‘fashion statements’ I’ve seen over the years.  For instance, jeans with holes in ’em.  Most of us grew up HAVING to wear jeans with holes in ’em, so we ain’t paying our hard earned bucks for jeans that already have holes in ’em.  So, I keep seeing all these people with rolls of pudge hanging over their britches and a shirt that don’t even come close to covering it and I’m thinkin’…what’s up with this trend?  Then my daughter educates me on the subject and informs me that this trendy phenomenon has a name…‘Muffin Top’!

It suddenly dawned on my lightnin’ fast mind that I’d had a muffin top for years and didn’t even know it.  But nobody appreciated it.  I hadn’t even tried to create mine, it just happened.  Years of over consuming donuts and a myriad of other sugary, carb-laden goodies had expanded my waistline to the point it was just natural for my belly to roll over my pants.  And being a plumber, it seemed my t-shirt was always running up my back like a window shade and exposing more than most folks cared to see.  Then, just when I find out I was stylin’ and profilin’ with my ‘Muffin Top’, somebody comes out with a longtail t-shirt to cure ‘Plumbers Butt’. Oh, and I’ve already heard all the wise-cracks about ‘Plumbers Butt’, so please don’t send me anymore.  Matter of fact, in this day of Political Correctness, it’s no longer called ‘Plumbers Butt’.  That’s right, the much less offensive term that should always be used today is ‘Contractor Cleavage’.

So, to make a long story even longer.  While getting dressed for work the other morning, I had put on my pants but hadn’t yet put on my shirt.  As I turned around I accidentally ended up in front of a full length mirror in my room.  Suddenly I noticed that the roll of pudgy flesh that usually rolled and flowed over my belt was shrinking.  In all the excitement, I spontaneously yelled out, “Honey, I shrunk my Muffin Top!” She thought I had totally lost it again.  So I proceeded to ‘splain to her what a ‘Muffin Top’ was and how my low-carb diet was shrinking my ‘Muffin Top’.

And I’m finding out that the more my Muffin Top shrinks, the less Contractor Cleavage I have.  I may not need one of those long tail t-shirts after all!  The moral of the story:  You’ll not only lose pounds on low-carb, you’ll also lose your Muffin Top! And as Martha says, “That’s a good thing!”

There Really is Life Without Donuts!

Ron, aka The Former Donut Junkie

How Many Donuts Have You Lost?

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If you’re trying to achieve a weight loss goal then you need all the encouragement you can get!  That encouragement could come from a weight loss buddy, a friend, a spouse or coworker.  But you…yes, YOU…should be your most fervent and loyal cheerleader.  And if your not, then you should be!  That’s right, remember that old saying, “he who does not toot his own horn, gets not his horn tooted!”  I’m not 100% sure but I think it may have been Bill Clinton who coined that phrase.

I thought it would be fun to let our imaginations run wild here for a little bit and come up with some encouraging, humorous, light hearted ways to express our weight loss.  It kind of gives us another view, somewhat more realistic, something we can actually relate to.  For instance, as you’ve already read here at Life Without Donuts, donuts were the Numero Uno culprit for me taking on my round, rotund shape.  I even considered entering the ‘Michelin Man Look-Alike Contest’.

So, I said to myself, “self, lighten up here…this ain’t rocket science.”  As my slightly warped thinking kicked in, it suddenly clicked that I could, and really should, express my weight loss in…DONUTS!  That’s right, when talking to my friends about weight loss I could tell them I’d lost 459 DONUTS, instead of 51 pounds.  A little humor goes a long way you know.  And you don’t have to write me and tell me just how little humor this is, ’cause I already know.  So, humor me just a little bit and hear me out before you start spouting lame cliches like, “he sounds like his butter done slipped off his biscuit”, or “his porch light is on, but there ain’t nobody home.”

So being the arithmetic giant that I am, I discovered [read — made up] an equation to express this complex expression.  Now I’m gonna’ make this a ‘word problem’ like I mastered in the second year of the fifth grade.  If Johnny wanted to take a pound of Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donuts to his teacher, and he knew that each donut weighed 52 grams, how many donuts would Johnny have to buy?

Johnny looked on the internet and found out that there are 454 grams in each pound.  This is where ‘gazendas’ come into play.  He says 52 ‘gazenda’ 454 about 9 times, rounded off.  And donuts will most definitely round you off.  Now he knows that he needs to buy 9 Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donuts in order to take his teacher a pound of donuts.  If you haven’t noticed Johnny is a gifted and talented child.

What does all this mean you ask?  Well, for me it means I’ve lost 459 [about 39 dozen] Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donuts at this point.  Did ya’ hear that…459!  Somehow that just sounds better than 50…pounds.  It just sounds more flashy, more meaningful, more…well, actually more silly…but who gives a rip.  After all, donuts are something I can really relate to.  It’s a number I can get my Formerly Donut Stained Fingers around, if you know what I mean.

So, what about you?  What can you relate to?  Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Klondike Ice Cream Bars or Cinnabon Classic Cinnamon Rolls?  Chocolate Covered Potato Chips, Tiramisu, Cupcakes?  What are you waiting on…express yourself…in terms you can relate to.  Let me give you a couple of examples.

1 pound=27 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

1 pound=7 Klondike Ice Cream Bars

1 pound=3 Cinnabon Classic Cinnamon Rolls

You get the idea.  You’re welcome to use one of my examples, just pick your prior ‘poison’, search out its weight, do the math and have a laugh or three along the way.

So lighten up a little…this ain’t rocket science!  This is about enjoying the journey to improved health…and…well, mental sanity.  I look forward to hearing from all you Former Junkies out there!

There Really is Life Without Donuts!

Ron, aka The Former Donut Junkie